That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
