there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
