I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
