I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
