if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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