The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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