WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
