im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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