I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
