It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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