Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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