dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
