just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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