Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
