so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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