my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
