It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
