I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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