I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
