I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just invented taco cereal.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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