can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
