The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
