Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
