Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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