I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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