Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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