I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
