I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
