I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
