MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I got inside last night via doggy door
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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