i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
