i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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