Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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