Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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