fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
