at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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