I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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