I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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