Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
