Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
