just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
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