I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
