she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
