i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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