whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
