woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
