you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
