I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
