I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
