The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
