they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
