the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Watching her eat just hurts me
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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